The Faeco Files

Superhero Poo Mug

fecophiles — Fri, 28 Oct 2011 23:51:02 +0000

Wondering what to get your Uncle Faeco for his birthday? This will do:

How to deal with shitting your pants

fecophiles — Fri, 28 Oct 2011 23:47:35 +0000

Bored of boring powerpoint presentations? Never fear, your Uncle Faeco has dredged up this little gem, which explains what to do if you shit your pants. Groovy.

Turds in Thailand

fecophiles — Fri, 28 Oct 2011 23:41:26 +0000

What does one do if one is travelling across Thailand in a bus with no ‘facilities’, and the urge ‘to go’ comes upon one? Wait until the bus stops, then leap off and squat. A friend, let us call her ‘M’, was so afflicted, and thought it best to stay close to the bus, lest it start up and leave her. Start it up it did, whilst she was mid-turd and – she realised too late – squatting directly in front of the headlights, much to the consternation of her fellow travellers. To add insult to injury, a passing dog crept up behind her and ate the poo from her bum.

First love, faeco-style

fecophiles — Fri, 28 Oct 2011 23:34:26 +0000

Ah, the sweet blooming of first love! Who can forget those first furtive fumblings, as one desperately tries to locate the appropriate hole whilst pretending to be an old hand at the underpants charleston? A friend of mine, let us call him ‘L’, was lucky enough to pop his cherry with a local gal in a park near the pub. It started with a kiss, but soon they were lying half-naked in the moonlight with their bits out. The rest, as they say, is history. Afterwards, being a proper gentleman, L offered to take his lady home in a cab. She remarked on an unpleasant smell as she entered the vehicle. L didn’t know how to tell her that she had rolled in a dog turd, which she subsequently transferred to the seat of the taxi.

Disaster at date’s dad’s do

fecophiles — Fri, 28 Oct 2011 23:26:21 +0000

A friend of mine, let us call him ‘N’, had been partying rather hard with the old Columbian marching powder. Come kicking out time at the pub, N planned to attend a party at his new girlfriend’s dad’s flat. Off he set, bristling with confidence, ready to take on the world of fatherly party-goers. Unfortunately, his journey there was punctuated by the sudden arrival of Meatloaf’s daughter, who swiftly left the chutney chute, and landed in his kecks. Thus N arrived at the party with a pant-ful of crap. He made his way to the bathroom, and decided the best strategy was to take off his trousers and sit in the sink. But N failed to lock the door. Who should walk in and catch him sitting in the sink, but his new girlfriend’s dad. New girlfriend dumped him shortly after.

Open defecation in India

fecophiles — Sat, 01 May 2010 07:05:37 +0000

Processing the sewage produced by a vast horde of humans isn’t a particularly easy task. It requires quite a lot of infrastructure, such as processing plants, transport links to move the sewage to them, pipes that can take excrement from people’s houses to somewhere else for processing, and so forth. In so-called ‘Western’ nations, we use an awful lot of water processing our shit, but not all places have so much water available to use. (Arguably, we don’t either, and we need to start thinking of some better solution.) What seems like the best way forward is to re-use our sewage as fertilizer. But it needs to be made safe first, as each deposit contains all sorts of nasty viruses, bacteria, and parasites which we don’t really want hanging around. India is one place that faces a huge sewage issue. There’s an interesting article about the problems here. Interestingly, one of the problems mentioned is the way that toilet arrangements affect women, particularly female students. The lack of separate facilities at school plays a big role in their high drop-out rate when they reach puberty. The article doesn’t say, but I’m guessing this is to do with things such as embarrassment over menstruation, and perhaps the threat of sexual groping from horny teen boys also using the lav. Clearly, it’s a bad thing for girls to miss out on an education. The lack of proper toilet facilities is rarely cited as a contributing factor.

More lady-bits toilets

fecophiles — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 17:44:50 +0000

More foreign toilets

fecophiles — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 17:43:51 +0000

If you’ve ever fancied pissing in a lady’s private parts (you kinkoid, you), then get thee to Austria, where you will find this urinal:

Delightful!

Foreign toilets

fecophiles — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 17:40:33 +0000

This just in from our toilet correspondent:

More on squatting*

fecophiles — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 22:49:30 +0000

*(As in dropping the kids off at the pool – not commandeering empty buildings.) Having read Toilet-Related Ailments, you may have resolved to squat for health, but be unsure how to do it. Never fear, gentle reader, for your Uncle Faeco has managed to turn up some good advice. This helpful website has instructions on how to balance, and how to wipe when there ain’t no paper. Yes, my kittens, you gotta use your hand.